An Open Letter to the Baby Spiders Living in My Room

Dear baby spiders,

It appears as though the several dozen of you have decided to take up residence within the confines of my room. Now, I understand, spiders, that you need a place to live. Very well, but be it known that I wish for you to vacate the premises effective immediately. You see, your very presence in my room, the chamber of my nightly repose, is disconcerting.

It’s not that I have anything against spiders. In fact, earlier today I chanced upon several spiders outdoors and their presence did not bother me in the least. The important difference is, dear spiders, that your kin dwell outside where they belong. In the same fashion, a squirrel running around in my backyard would be infinitely less troubling than one scurrying around on my bedsheets. But unlike squirrels, my dear infantile arachnids, you are nearly undetectable and are of a sizable number. I know you’re there, just not where and in what quantities. This leaves me feeling disquieted while I sit in my room. Are any of you in my bed? Will you crawl on me while I sleep? I can never be sure. As such, I am unsettled.

This is why I cannot have you making residence of my room. I know you don’t understand the concept of ownership. I know you don’t speak English. I imagine you do not have internet access or read my blog. Nevertheless, I am decreeing that you must vacate my room forthwith. My feelings of vague disquietude outweigh your needs; after all, I am bigger than you.

Now get the hell out of my room.

Thank you for your time


~ by norealname on June 27, 2008.

2 Responses to “An Open Letter to the Baby Spiders Living in My Room”

  1. I heard from a friend of a friend that you’ll eat at least 13 of them in your sleep.

  2. They are pretty tasty.

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