The FOX and the CROW

One day, a rather sly FOX saw a CROW sitting in a tree, holding a piece of bread in her mouth. The FOX, filled with greed, decided to trick the CROW into letting go of the morsel. Said the FOX:

O, MADAM CROW, you have such beautiful plumage and look so majestic! If only I could hear your beautiful voice, I could deem you the QUEEN of BIRDS!

Full of vanity, the CROW let out a loud caw, dropping the bread. After devouring the snack, the FOX said:

My dear CROW, your voice is lovely, but your wit is lacking.

FOXES ARE ASSHOLES.

Some Culinary Advice

You can have your cake and eat it too if you take the word “have” to mean the more colloquial “to eat.”

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“Cephalopod at the Ol’ Swimmin’ Hole” - a painting

The Abyss - a poem

my soul is a dark

abyss of darkness.

they conform to what society tells them but

i am true to my self.

they don’t understand me because i

am too deep for them,

living outside of their fake

disney dreamworlds.

i buy a black tshirt that

has a witty slogan on it.

when they read it

they will have peered into the very

darkest depths of my soul.

God Hates Pants

As we all know, the perfect argument against homosexuality is found at the beginning of the Book of Genesis. When Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden, God created Eve as a wife for him. The fact that God made the first couple Adam and Eve rather than Adam and Steve proves that homosexuality is both evil and morally inexcusable. It’s just simple logic.

But what other moral tenets can be divined from the story of Eden? Let’s look at the consequences of Adam and Eve eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil:

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” [Genesis 3:6-11, NIV]

When the Lord discovers what Adam and Eve have done, He is quite upset. It is obvious that the reason He told them not to eat the fruit of the tree is because they’d realize they were naked and put on clothes. It’s all so simple. Pants are the cause of humanity’s fall from grace.

Why is God so against clothes? God works in mysterious ways. We can not fully comprehend His plans. All we can do is blindly accept what He tells us. That is why we must forsake clothing; it is an abomination before the Lord.

Now it is time for me to go and picket Old Navy.

New Feature - The EPISTLES’ Webcomic!

George Washington - American Hero

There are many here in America who believe George Washington to be among the greatest presidents our nation has ever had. This is a reasonable position; Washington certainly served his tenure in office admirably. This is, perhaps, due to the fact that he was a somewhat disinterested president. Now, that is not to say that he was uninterested in his job; far from it. He had no hard set ideology, unlike Hamilton or Jefferson, so he was able to look at issues from all sides before taking action. Washington was not politically motivated to become president. In fact, he did not even want the office; the people elected him because of their great admiration for the man. He took office because of his deep feelings of patriotism and even declined the salary offered by Congress.

But what is depressing is that, despite the fact that Washington is so admired in this nation, many would be hard-pressed to tell you why he was so great (outside of apocryphal stories of him felling cherry trees and fessing up to it afterward). That is why I am providing a list of reasons why George Washington is a great American hero:

• In spite of his spotty record on the battlefield (he lost about as many skirmishes as he won), Washington was instrumental to the American victory in the Revolution. His tireless efforts to keep the Continental Army from disintegrating despite constant threats to its existence from both the world’s most formidable military force of its day and from the short troop enlistment periods ensured the nation’s survival. Washington was able to provide both the morale and victories to keep his army afloat when it was needed most.
• When, during his presidency, the Whiskey Rebellion broke out in Pennsylvania over a tax on spirits, Washington commanded the troops sent in to stop the insurrection. The matter was settled without bloodshed. Washington pardoned those convicted of treason in the rebellion to help ensure national unity.
• During the Battle of Trenton, a Hessian grenade landed feet away from a group of Continental soldiers. Seeing the danger, Washington dove on top of the bomb to shield his men. His impressive stature was able to take the full impact of the explosion, leaving him with only minor injuries.
• Washington also showed great heroism during the crossing of the Delaware River on the way to Trenton. The crossing took place on Christmas night in below freezing conditions during a hailstorm. In what could have been a disaster, the planners of the expedition were able to obtain the necessary boats, but could not find the oars. Despite the obvious danger, Washington was able to ferry much of the army across the river by swimming with one arm and pulling the boat with the other. Twenty shiploads of men crossed the river in this manner before the oars were found to be propped up against a nearby tree.
• During his journey from Mount Vernon to New York City to take office as president, Washington came across a group of orphans being threatened by a bear. In another great show of heroism, he stepped out of his carriage and managed to divert the bear’s attention from the children to himself. Washington was then able to remove his prosthetic teeth and throw them at the bear. They severed its jugular, quickly killing the beast. One of those children grew up to be 16th president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
• While his peers Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson where well know for their inventions (they respectively invented, among other things, bifocals and a variety of swivel chair), Washington was also something of an amateur inventor. Among his many inventions were the electric light bulb, the phonograph and the toaster oven.
• Washington had no children with his wife Martha. This is not due to impotence, as one may suspect. Washington was in fact so virile that his seed would have instantly killed his wife with its extreme potency. He remained celibate out of love for his spouse. As with so many other areas of his life, Washington was manly, yet exhibited the restraint and diligence required from him.
• During his farewell address to the nation, in addition to warning of the dangers of faction, Washington introduced to the world the concept of wave/particle duality. The idea would not be widely discussed until Albert Einstein’s commentary on the photoelectric effect was released in 1905.
• Originally, Washington lost the Battle of Yorktown to the British. However, he was able to reverse the earth’s rotation in order to go back in time. With foreknowledge of Cornwallis’ tactics, Washington deftly defeated his enemy, leading to British surrender and the end of the war.

It is because of these reasons and many others that George Washington is rightly considered to be one of America’s greatest presidents. I hope that you have learned something new and interesting about our nation’s first chief executive.

Hamlet - The Lost Ending

Recently, an old, dusty volume of Shakespeare’s works was discovered by an antique manuscript dealer in London. Besides containing his fabled Love’s Labour’s Won, the tome also featured two versions of bard’s magnum opus, Hamlet. The first text was found to be virtually identical to the Second Folio’s. In the other text, the final portion of the play was considerably different. This was the play as it was originally written. Here is presented the finale of Hamlet as Shakespeare first intended, starting in Act V, Scene II, after Queen Gertrude’s death:

Hamlet

O villany! Ho! let the door be lock’d:

Treachery! Seek it out.

Laertes

It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain;

No medicine in the world can do thee good;

In thee there is not half an hour of life;

The treacherous instrument is in thy hand,

Unbated and envenom’d: the foul practise

Hath turn’d itself on me lo, here I lie,

Never to rise again: thy mother’s poison’d:

I can no more: the king, the king’s to blame.

Hamlet

The point!–envenom’d too!

Then, venom, to thy work.

Stabs KING CLAUDIUS

All

Treason! treason!

King Claudius

O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.

Hamlet

Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,

Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?

Follow my mother.

KING CLAUDIUS dies

Laertes

He is justly served;

It is a poison temper’d by himself.

Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:

Mine and my father’s death come not upon thee,

Nor thine on me.

Dies

Hamlet

If only there was an antidote to this foul

Venom, I would not feel the sting of death!

Enter OPHELIA with antidote

Ophelia

Hamlet! Catch!

Tosses antidote. HAMLET catches and drinks

Hamlet

Ophelia! I thought you were dead!

Ophelia

That’s what Fortinbras wanted you to think. His henchmen kidnapped me and threw a look-alike dummy into the water to fool you. Luckily, I was able to pick the lock of my cell with a hairpin when the guard wasn’t looking.

Hamlet

So Fortinbras was behind all this. I should have known!

Ophelia

We’d better be careful. Fortinbras’ll be here any minute.

Giant hole blown in wall. Enter FORTINBRAS

Fortinbras

Ah, Ophelia and Hamlet together again. Isn’t that sweet…

Hamlet

Stay out of this, Fortinbras.

Fortinbras

What are you going to do, Hamlet? We all know that your tragic flaw is the inability to take action.

Hamlet

Is that right? Well, when you get to Hell, tell ‘em Hamlet sent ya.

Throws poisoned sword through FORTINBRAS’ skull

Fortinbras

Alas! I am slain!

Dies

Ophelia

I love you, Hamlet!

They kiss. CROWD cheers

Exeunt

Blessed are the faithful, for God will give them money

There is a strain of Christian belief today holding that faith in God will bring about material wealth. This is known as prosperity theology. The idea is that being a good servant of the Lord, He will reward you with great abundance. You scratch His back, He’ll scratch yours.

You’ve probably watched TV and flipped through the channels to find a televangelist imploring you to send him money as a sign of faith in God so that God will reward you many times over. Of course, at first it sounds like a scam. Isn’t reward in the afterlife what God promises? This isn’t mentioned in the bible, is it? Actually, there are many biblical passages supporting this prosperity doctrine. Take, for example, the story of Jesus and the rich man:

A certain ruler asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.’”

“All these I have kept since I was a boy,” he said.

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” [Luke 18:18-24, NIV]

See? In clear and simple English, Jesus says that if you have faith in Him, He will reward you with a lot of material possessions. Another example can be found in the Gospel of Matthew:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” [Matthew 19:23-24, NIV]

Here Jesus is telling us if we send money to our local televangelist as a display of faith, we’ll be rewarded many times over. In cash!

There are some, however, who claim that this is nonsense and that Jesus wanted us to concern ourselves with the spiritual rather than the material. What bible are they reading? These people are obviously misinterpreting the Jesus’ central teaching: if we believe in Him, He’ll make us really really rich. As proof, let’s compare the United States, a first world country, to Guatemala, a third world country. Why is Guatemala so poor in comparison to the US? Well, quite simply, they don’t have as much faith. This proves that prosperity theology is the one true path.

So remember, have faith in your God. It is the only way to Heaven. Plus, you’ll get, like, a ton of cash.